The most difficult changes in my life have come in the form of three separate cancer diagnoses.
As a three-time cancer survivor, I know the shock of hearing that life-altering diagnosis, going through the pain and anxiety of treatment, and the fear that I would never get my life back.
Maybe you’ve gone through something similar: A serious accident, a tough diagnosis, a divorce, losing your job, bankruptcy, or the death of a loved one.
Maybe you’re going through something right now that’s keeping you up nights, paralyzing with you with fear, and making you wonder how you can possibly survive the pain.
So, how do we get through it?
For me, the butterfly shows us the way through a difficult change and how to come out the other side stronger, better, and freer. The three steps the butterfly goes through provide a guide for how we can find our way through each stage of our own challenging changes.
1. Stage One: Take Care of Our Physical Needs
A butterfly begins life as a tiny egg on the underside of a leaf. When the egg hatches, a caterpillar emerges and begins to eat. At this point, its only job is to meet its physical needs by eating as much as possible.
It’s much the same for us in that first stage of change. After the first shock of getting bad news has worn off, we’re left sleepless, vulnerable, and wondering how we’re going to survive the long days ahead. At this point, our only job is to make sure we take care of ourselves physically. Nothing complicated, just the basics.
Brush your teeth, eat well, exercise, get dressed every day, and get enough rest.
And to make sure you cover these basics every day, it’s helpful to put together a daily routine. I found in those first hard, days having a routine not only not only helped keep me healthy physically, it also gave me get a sense of control in the middle of chaos.
Finally, treat yourself gently. This stage of change is really difficult, so it’s a time to support yourself with kindness and positive self-talk. No yelling at yourself for not eating kale or oatmeal at every meal. Sometimes the answer to feeling better is chocolate cake, and guess what... that’s actually okay. No need to run a marathon, just go for a walk around the block. This is the time to take care of yourself with the same love and compassion you would show to someone else.
2. Stage Two: Take Care of Your Emotional Needs
Once the caterpillar is full, it stops eating. It crawls out onto a branch or a leaf. It hangs upside down and spins itself into a silk cocoon. Then, hanging upside down, in the darkness, the caterpillar’s old body literally melts into a soupy goo. And out of that goo, its new body slowly begins to take shape and its wings begin to form.
I really identify with that image of melting into a soupy goo, because that’s how I felt going through cancer treatment. Maybe you’ve been there too. Maybe you’ve felt a similar sense of loss of yourself in the middle of a life that feels out of your control. Maybe you know the feeling of no longer knowing who you are. So, how do we find a way through this stage?
We begin by reminding ourselves we’ve been through tough times before.
It's important to acknowledge that things are tough and that we may be struggling. But tough times always pass... and this time is no different. A butterfly grows its wings in darkness, and so do we. And its important to keep in mind that on the other side of the darkness is light and a new life just waiting for us.
Next, we change the story we’re telling ourselves about the situation. I’m not talking about changing the situation. I’m suggesting we change what we tell ourselves about it.
For me, going to chemo was tough. I knew that each treatment involved a long, tough day, and I dreaded those days. But when a friend suggested I tell myself that the people taking care of me were on my side and there to help and support me, it helped me shift my thinking. When I focused on the idea that the people taking care of me were all on my side I was able to relax a little. And when I relaxed, I was able to communicate more effectively which helped ease some of my fear. The situation didn’t change, but I changed the way I thought about it.
So, what about you? What’s the hardest part of what you’re going through?
Could you think about it differently? I’m not asking you to lie to yourself or make up a story, just to think about it from a different angle, a different point of view. Because when you change the story you tell yourself, the way you feel about those things also changes.
3. Stage Three: Take Action
The final stage of change for the butterfly involves a struggle. When the butterfly is ready to emerge from the cocoon it has to fight its way out to freedom. This fight is fierce, and the battle is necessary.
There’s a great story about a little boy who brought home a caterpillar. He put the caterpillar in a jar with a small branch, watched it eat its way through the leaves, crawl to the top of the branch, hang upside down and spin its cocoon.
The boy waited anxiously through all the stages of change until he saw signs of life in that cocoon. When he saw the butterfly began struggling to get out he decided to help. He went, got a pair of scissors and used them to cut a hole in the cocoon for the butterfly to climb through. The butterfly climbed out and fell to the bottom of the jar, wings folded and useless. It struggled to fly, but never could. Because the butterfly’s wings are strengthened in its struggle to break free of the cocoon. Without the struggle, the butterfly can never fly. And I think that’s true for us as well in this final stage of change. We have to struggle to claim the new person we’re becoming.
I’ve found the best way to claim this new life for yourself is to trust the same instinct that leads the butterfly. That means listening to your body and your heart and let them guide you to what feels right for you. To imagine the possibilities and then to take small steps past your fear and in the direction of what you want your new life to look like.
Calm & Sense: Your Anxiety Handbook
In my first book, Calm & Sense: A Woman's Guide to Living Anxiety-Free, all of Part Three (Chapters 11-25) is about re-framing anxiety, which focuses on changing those negative beliefs that create our worry, fear, and stress.
And then Part Four (Chapters 26-52) gives us a set of hyper-practical tools and techniques to reliably quell anxiety when it shows up.
Solving the Anxiety Equation: Coming Soon!
My second book is done and in production – it's called Solving the Anxiety Equation: The Formula to Free Yourself from Fear. It's designed to take the mystery out of what makes us anxious. It's a hands-on approach for getting to the root of our anxiety – then creating a step-by-step individualized plan for healing that anxiety.
Here's a sneak preview of the book, and why it's different from other books about anxiety.
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