There’s an old medieval tale about a peasant who lived a simple life, working in the fields of a powerful baron until one day he was arrested for a crime he hadn’t committed. In spite of his pleas and protests he was found guilty and imprisoned in the baron’s dungeon.
For many months he lived alone in a dark, cold cell. The only person he saw was a fierce-looking guard who once a day would open the cell door and slide a tray of food and water across the floor, then slam the door shut without saying a word.
At first, the prisoner hoped that someone would realize he’d been unjustly accused and he would be set free. He prayed that someone would come and rescue him. But as time wore on, and nothing happened, he gave up hope.
And when he could no longer bear the loneliness of his prison cell, he decided to take matters into his own hands. He decided that when the fierce-looking guard brought him his food in the morning, he would attack the guard and let fate decide his future from there.
The next day, just before dawn, the prisoner crouched beside the cell door ready to spring into action as soon as the door opened. But when he raised his fists he lost his balance. As he fell forward he grabbed the door handle to steady himself. To his astonishment, the handle turned easily under his hand and the door clicked open.
And the prisoner realized that the door had never been locked.
Cautiously, he peered out into narrow hallway. The ferocious-looking guard was there lounging against the stone wall, looking back at him. This guard, who had terrified him for so long, made no move to stop him as he crept cautiously out of his cell. In fact, no one came to stop him as he wound his way through the narrow passageways, shouldered open the heavy front gate of the prison and crossed the drawbridge to his freedom.
For all those months, the only thing that had kept him in prison was the belief that the door was locked, the belief that the guard bore him ill will, and the belief that he could do nothing to rescue himself.
And like that prisoner, I think many of us are locked in a prison of our negative beliefs. Like the prisoner, we believe things about the challenges and choices in our lives that may not be true.
So, where do those negative beliefs come from?
Some of them came from what other people told us about ourselves when we were young. “You’re a loser.” “There’s something wrong with you.” “Shame on you.” “It’s all your fault.” “No one will ever love you.”
Other negative beliefs come from our reaction to trauma or difficult life experiences. After your divorce you decided that you’re terrible at relationships. After you were fired you decided that you’re an unemployable, incompetent loser. After you lost your house you decided that you can’t be trusted to handle money or anything else in your life.
But no matter where those negative beliefs came from, if we repeat them to ourselves enough, they can become a prison that keeps us trapped in our fear. The more we repeat them, the thicker the walls, the darker our cells become, and the more hopeless and helpless we feel.
But the good news is that we don’t have to wait for things to change. We don’t have to wait to be rescued. We can rescue ourselves.
3 Steps to Setting Yourself Free from the Prison of Fears
1. Challenge your negative beliefs.
Let’s begin by looking at whether those negative beliefs you’ve been repeating to yourself are true or not.
Take a moment and think of something you believe about yourself that’s keeping you from living your best life.
Assignment 1: Write it here:
I believe I am _______________________________________ ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
All right, which one of the following applies to that belief? Circle the one that is true for you.
a. That belief is always true.
b. That belief is true sometimes.
c. That belief is never true.
If you didn’t circle “a,” then your belief isn’t true. It may be what you do or think sometimes, but it’s not who you really are. In truth, those beliefs are just stories you’ve been telling yourself about who you are and what you can do.
And as the editor in charge of your life, you can change that story any time you want. To do that all you have to do is get honest about what is true about who you are.
2. Start telling the truth.
Instead of negative stories about failures and disasters, it’s time to focus on the part of you that always shows up in a crisis, or the part you’ve always been able to count on when times are tough, or the part that of you that always comes up with a creative solution to a difficult problem.
I’m talking about a quality you can always rely on, a strength that is always there when you need it. Something that is always true for you.
Maybe you have a loving heart, a sense of humor, a generous spirit, incredible compassion, an ability to connect with other people, an ability to accept things as they are, or to see the positive potential in things. Maybe you’re persistent, resilient, bold, or forgiving.
The quality we’re talking about is that treasure deep inside you that’s always there for you when you need it. It’s the core of who you are. And it’s the truth.
Assignment 2: Please write the truth about who you really are:
I know I am _________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________
3. Start telling the story of your life from the point of view of who you really are.
“I’ve been through tough times, but I have always had the courage to see myself through. I’ll get through this.”
“The relationship didn’t work, but I’ve always bounced back before and I’m looking forward to finding a wonderful new relationship.”
“Maybe I lost my job, but I’m skilled at what I do, and I never give up. I know I’ll be able to get another job.”
These powerful, core qualities are the truth of who you are. And when you stop telling yourself stories of loss and failure and start telling yourself the truth about that powerful inner strength of yours, you hold in your hand the key to freeing yourself from your prison of fear.
Assignment 3: Replace a negative belief with a truth about yourself, and allow this to be the story you start telling yourself.
Summing Up:
Now that you know the three steps to freeing yourself from your fear you can use them any time you need them to break out of the loop of negative beliefs. We don’t have wait for someone else to free us from our fears. We can set ourselves free.
Calm & Sense: Your Anxiety Handbook
In my book, Calm & Sense: A Woman's Guide to Living Anxiety-Free, all of Part Three (Chapters 11-25) is about RE-FRAMING anxiety, which focuses on changing those negative beliefs that create our worry, fear, and stress.
And then Part Four (Chapters 26-52) gives us a set of hyper-practical tools and techniques to reliabl quell anxiety when it shows us.
To connect with other women who understand what it’s like to live with anxiety:
My Facebook page, where we come together and share perspectives about all things anxiety: https://facebook.com/wendyleedskeepingcalm
My YouTube page, where I have my free mini-course, "Why You're Anxious & What to Do About It" and more: https://youtube.com/@wendyleedskeepingcalm
My email newsletter, where I notify you of new blog posts like this one and new episodes of our Anxiety Connection: https://wendyleeds.com/subscribe
I’m not just a psychotherapist; I understand the challenges of anxiety first-hand. So please join with the rest of us so that you don’t have to feel like you’re fighting this alone.
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